First Carnival of Feminist Parenting

Welcome to the very first edition of the Carnival Of Feminist Parenting!

There have been a fair few entries even for this first edition, most good and some really, really bad. I suppose I should have stated in the instructions – if you submit an article with a tagline like “If you are sure your partner is cheating, then being unfaithful in return does not help matters any” or “How to stay calm and plan a great wedding”, or an article all about how teh poor oppressed menz should have a say in abortion (seriously, this dude proposed courts be able to force women to abort if the sperm donor didn’t want to be a father!), it’s not going to get published here. Carnival of Feminist Parenting, dudes. FEMINIST. *sigh*

Anyway, on with the wonderful collection of amazing posts which truly deserve their spots in the Carnival.

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Stef kicks us off with Labels aren’t just for clothes posted at The Hand Mirror.

“But what about me? The term stepmother comes with so many negative connotations. It’s true that as I hone in on 30 I do have more facial hair than I’d like to admit but I do not in anyway resemble the stereotypical wicked stepmother depicted in those fairy tales. You will not find a single wart on my nose and despite the state of the garage I’m pretty sure that there are no dungeons or spinning wheels to be found around my home. Moreover anything term that uses the term ‘mum’ is likely to further piss off the Child’s mother who is already feeling a bit jealous and threatened by my existence.

The only person who didn’t seem to give rat’s ass about the whole situation was The Child. She knew daddy loved me and I loved Daddy and we both cared for her which was really the most important bit. An extra person meant an extra present at Christmas and Birthday time for the Child, plus someone with another set of interests and hobbies to keep her entertained. She has always referred to me as ex-expat, and truth be told we didn’t really need a label because I had always just been ‘her’ ex-expat. Secretly I worried that if we didn’t attempt to label our relationship someone else would do so for us and seek to define my relationship with the child from their own perspective but in the end we decided to let the issue lie until the child raised it.”

Anthea presents But… aren’t you supposed to get fat? posted at The Good Bodies.

“So, this week, for my GP, I got on the scales for the first time since October. I weighed about 11st, which means I’ve put on about a stone and a quarter. Given that my baby is due in 8 weeks, I think this is a reasonable amount. Added to which, my face has got no fatter than it was and is always the first place to show whenever my weight fluctuates, so I’m confident that the weight gain is temporary and that I’ll have little difficulty losing it once the baby’s born. Being the liberated woman that I am, I stepped off the scales seeing the weight gain as of little consequence. Mr GP, however, had other ideas. “That’s quite a good weight gain,” he said. I was pleased. I thought this meant that the weight gain was just right for the health of my baby and me. He and I clearly have different ideas of what the word ‘good’ means, as he then went on to make it clear that he thought I’d put too much on. “You know, it’s OK to diet during late pregnancy,” he continued, “I think it’s due to hormones. The women in my family tell me they want to eat more during pregnancy and their periods, so they eat too much. Don’t cut out just one food group, just cut down generally so you’re still getting some of everything.”

Next we have not one, not two, but three entries from Rabbit at Rabbit Write.

Oprah’s segment on buying your daughters vibrators

“I think the key is to have an open and honest household that encourages all curiosity while developing boundaries between the parents and children as they age. In an open and honest home I think you might not even need to even have scheduled talks about sex, as your children will come to you and ask if and when they need to. I think this takes a huge amount of self-awareness and self-work on the part of the parent, as what so often happens is that the parent is reminded through their child of their own childhood, when their own autonomy was shut down and the reaction here often is to anxiously repeat the same behavior of their own parents.”

Feminism and Circumcision

“The anti-circumcision movement believes that circumcision can have a profound and lasting effect on a man sexually and emotionally. One of the most common complaints about circumcision is keratinization , a condition that happens as men get older when the glans and remaining tissue begin to get dry and calloused. This can cause painful sex for the woman as well as the man, as the penis is very dry and the man has to pump harder. Circumcision is a very traumatic procedure for an infant to go through, a study shows that infants rarely get anesthesia for circumcision, it has also been noted that infants will sometimes go into shock from the pain. The same study also shows that the pain and traumatic memory in the infant seem to persist. I don’t think it is unlikely that this early trauma would create an emotional scar.

Or if you listen to the Jez-blogger these sexual and emotional complaints are just because “So many men believe the world revolves around their dicks.”

Is this really what the feminism movement of the last 50 years + has come to? A girls club, too ready to blame men? Men are not naturally sexist and violent, Women are not born submissive and passive aggressive. We raise our genders this way, and we women are on average the primary care-givers. We have absolute power over our children and children only learn abuse from their abusers. If the above is true than how can we change gender roles and achieve equality until we start with how we raise girls and boys? In my mind this includes not circumcising your infant son. If you want to tear down the patriarchy, start from the foundation.”

Orgasmic Birth (Just…why not?)

“The idea of orgasmic childbirth is clearly an off-putting concept. The idea of combining sexual pleasure with birth is at once shocking because a newborn is thrown into a sexual context. I suppose you could also argue the mother is in a round about way (or maybe even directly) obtaining sexual pleasure from her child.

Though after rolling the idea over in your brain or researching the topic it should become clear that birth as a sensuous experience is not about pedophilia or sexualizing the baby. Yet cultural taboos do remain. The idea of an orgasmic childbirth breaks the social norm and the ancient notion that births, periods and all of the earthy, raw experiences of being a woman are unmentionable, things that we “just don’t talk about.””

Elisha Webster Emerson presents Motherhood and the Supermom posted at My Inconvenient Body.

“The mother-as-suffering-angel equation functions in the same destructive direction as all Women-as-Symbol equations–It works to silence, to objectify and to control. Historically, the only woman one could find in literature existed symbolically; loftily porcelain, elevated on a pedestal of pretty words and metaphorical allusion. The woman as bird, the woman as tempest, the woman as muse.

It’s our job, my job, as a woman writer to inhabit my womanhood, to make it alive, dynamic, imperfect. It is my task to inhabit my womanhood and to write out of that, to break those static symbols for the clamorous, untamable truth.

As mothers, let us never cower beneath the weight of this Supermom icon. She is fiction. She is not real.”

Next, two from Butterflea at Feminist Childrearing:

Children’s Television – Sexist media representing a sexist world.

“It did however come as a shock when, surprise surprise, despite all my best efforts at feminist parenting, age four my daughter transformed from a happy-go-lucky confident unselfconscious grubby child into a pristine pink princess with a “passion for fashion”. Her sexist utterances were even more surprising, “girls can’t have short hair”, “boys can’t play fairies” and her refusal to wear anything that wasn’t a dress and pink or sparkly ensured mornings were traumatic for all involved.

Although I tried to deny it for a while, I knew it was my fault, after all mothers are the primary passeroners of patriarchal values. My slackness, my desire for a few quiet moments, had left my daughter vulnerable to the brainwashing. I knew the risks, I knew the danger of the mainstream media, its power to corrupt, and I deliberateraly sat her down in front of it. I thought I could beat it. I couldn’t!”

Children and Parents in Feminist Activism.

“We want to spread this movement of ours yet we don’t make our activism accessible to parents. Many of the women in this country are mothers yet we don’t provide childcare at our meetings. Is feminism for everyone or just for a small clique of childless women?

We rally en masse for abortions rights (rightly so!) but where are the rallies to protest against single-parents being forced back to work, for better childcare for working parents, for better maternity services, for recognition of the unpaid work parents do raising children and what exactly are we doing in our activism to facilitate parents attending?

Sometimes I feel like we’ve fallen for the idea that mothers should be home, tied to the kitchen sink, cooking and changing nappies, voiceless and uncomplaining and that children should be seen and not heard. I suppose it’s so ingrained in all of us that there is a time and place for children that meetings aren’t seen as one of those times or places. I think like that too sometimes, but its ageist against children and sexist against mothers and we all need to address and confront it within ourselves and as a group. Maybe a meeting isn’t the most suitable place for young children but if parents are going to be there we need to accept that children will be too and sort out ways to deal with it.”

Tumbleweed presents another one from Feminist Childrearing - Forest School: towards Feminist, Anarchist and Environmental Learning? (revised edition).

“I discovered Forest School whilst working at a nature reserve, and immediately was hooked- it was everything I thought good environmental education and childhood learning should be! Forest School is a Scandinavian initiative, started in the 1980’s. Within an outdoor setting (ideally woodland), children carry out small achievable tasks (anything from making wooden whistles to Autumn leaf crowns), and from these experiences, the children grow in confidence, independence and self-esteem. They also benefit from just ‘being’ within nature- an experience that previous generations would have had many-a-time, but in a society full of ‘fear’ like ours, many children do not have the opportunity to have such wild experiences, leading to what some term as ‘nature-deficit disorder’ (see www.richardlouv.com). Childhood nature experience is also essential for encouraging life-long learning, responsibility for the environment, and foster such lifestyle choices and attitudes in adulthood. A ‘must’ for the environmental movement.”

Stephanie Rosado presents Motherhood = Feminism = Activism posted at Mothering in the Margins.

“It is necessary as a parent to lead by example. To show our children what their efforts can do to change this world and not simply tell them that they have this potential. We must become their inspiration, their mentors by modeling the behavior we want them to learn. We must use our feminism and our activism as vital tools of parenting to raise children that can think critically about the world and are not afraid to challenge the dominant power structures in the name of justice and equality. We must parent in such a way as to produce adults that are open minded and see all people as deserving of respect and a peaceful living. We must parent to raise children that do not feel that the needs and desires of one person, not even their own, are more important than meeting the needs and desires of another.”

Spilt Milk presents Bust that myth, already posted at Spilt Milk.

“A major argument in my honours dissertation, written nine years ago, was that we need to dismantle the myth of the perfect mother. That one way to keep feminism from doing its work is the perpetuation of this myth. And here I am, nine years later, beating myself up for not being perfect. No one else does it – in fact, I’m blessed with a loving partner and gorgeous friends who repeatedly tell me what a good job I’m doing, and a daughter who is manifestly healthy and exuberant. But I still tell myself multiple times a day that I’m shit at this gig. Either the Subliminal Patriarchal Propaganda Machines are way stronger than nine years of thinking and believing could ever be, or I have issues.

I’m taking an each-way bet on that one.”

Our very own Ruth Moss presents two wonderful posts:

The consequences of choosing to take full responsibility for your childs education yourself posted at Staffordshire

“We will revise that statutory guidance later in the year to make it absolutely clear that if at any point the parents refuse to allow the child to be seen alone, the local authority has powers under that Act to apply for an emergency protection order to require parents to comply with any request to produce the child. The Act authorises the removal of a child in those circumstances if necessary.” Disproportionate or what? This is what is coming next for all you stay at home mums with small children and all families during the summer holidays if you don’t wake up and smell the coffee.

What if your child is dyslexic, the author of the report this recommendation is based on believes that given a suitable education all children should be reading autonomously at 8. And if your children have special needs, especially if they are on the autistic spectrum, their behaviours and idiosyncrasies can look very like the government indicators of child abuse.”

Raising a not-rapist posted at Raising My Boychick

“That is the difference between raising boys and raising girls: we need to raise both of them free of gender stereotypes and arbitrary gender roles, but to ignore their sex and the roles their gender will push them toward in society is as ridiculous a proposition as raising children “colorblind” in regards to race: all it does is reify the dominant paradigm, prop up racism and sexism and the entire kyriarchy, because we cannot fight what we do not acknowledge exists. In this case, that is the truth that some boy children will grow up to be rapists.

This is something a lot of parents don’t want to think about — I know I would really rather not. This is my perfect little baby we’re talking about! And he is; he is beautiful, and sweet, and loving, and empathetic, and caring, and absolutely perfect.

Of course, every baby is perfect. And yet, some men are rapists. Somehow, perfect babies grow up in to men who rape. It would be so easy, so reassuring, to hide behind the lie that it couldn’t happen to my baby, that I don’t have to think about that, that that only happens to those other people and their defective children. But that line of thinking is just another tool of the patriarchy, trying to defend itself; if it can just make us blind enough, we’ll do all the defending it needs for it.

No, the only way to make sure that my boy does not become a rapist is to teach him not to rape. And that starts now.”

Blue Milk presents Guest Post: Stepmothering and feminist motherhood posted at Blue Milk.

“Guest post: Stephanie blogs at group blog, The Hand Mirror. She lives with her partner and for almost half the time with his 5 year old daughter also. Consequently Stephanie has become a step-mother. Here is her response to my 10 questions about your feminist motherhood.

Stephanie’s response to these questions as a stepmother is a first and a very appropriate addition. In her response she raises some fascinating questions of her own (including many I’ve never previously considered) around the identity of motherhood and its preoccupation with biological mothers, in addition to the way biological mothers and stepmothers are pitted against one another.”

Cruella presents The Truth About Antenatal Classes posted at Cruella-blog.

“So in conclusion, there seem to be some real positives from a supportive class covering what to expect throughout maternity, birth and the first year or so of a child’s life, although clearly such classes should be available freely (although the NCT does offer discounted classes if mothers have financial difficulties). Information on pain relief doesn’t seem to be getting through so well. What is needed in this area is accurate information about all the options and how likely the various outcomes are both nationally and by hospital and clinic so that women can make a considered choice. What is not needed is a load of piffle about trying to relax while you’re in excruciating pain.”

And finally, a few from myself which I thought would be valuable additions to the Carnival:

From a Dad posted at en|Gender.

“No, my kid is making me tell you to tolerate all gender expression.

Women in crew cuts who are straight. Men in dresses and makeup who are straight and married to straight women. The same people, in terms of gender expression, who are gay. Everyone.

You don’t have to love them. You don’t have to wear a dress yourself. You don’t have to have a gay marriage, or marry a butch woman. None of this will be mandated in the world which I’m trying to make by talking with you. You, a person I desperately want to ignore.”

Crossdressing Toddlers posted at Fly My Pretty.

“Cruising around the internet, I was reading another lesbian mum blog which made me feel a bit sad. I’d be hard pressed to find it again, but they described their two children as “all boy” and “a hundred per cent girl”. Maybe they didn’t intend it, but it sounded defensive to me – look at our PERFECTLY NORMAL children! No traces of gay-training here! I wrote a couple of days ago about creating my own pressure to be a ‘perfect family’, to demonstrate that lesbian-headed families are completely valid. I keep coming back to gender roles – what I’m modelling, what I’m teaching them. If I was in a relationship with a man, would I think so much about whether it is okay to dress Louis in girl’s clothes? Will people think we are ashamed of his sex? That lesbians hate men therefore we are trying to emasculate our boychild?

Naturally none of these issues come up when we dress Pearl in overalls and little red t-shirts with trucks on them. She just looks cute and tomboyish.”

New report: Mothering in Prison posted at Feministing.

“The number of prison-based nursery programs is growing, but such programs are still rare. Only 9 states have these programs, and almost half were created in the last five years.

Research shows that these programs benefit mothers and children. Women who participate show lower rates of recidivism (likelihood to commit a new crime), and their children show no adverse affects as a result of their participation. Improves maternal child bonding as well.

Many women parenting their infants in prison nurseries could be doing so in the community instead. Women in both types of programs are serving relatively short sentences for non-violent offenses, and will continue primary caretaking responsibility for their child(ren) upon release. Most women in prison nursery programs present little risk to public safety. The issues that bring most women in contact with the criminal justice system – drug addiction, lack of education, poverty – are better addressed in a community setting than in prison.”

Feminism, fathers and valuing parenthood posted at PhD in Parenting.

“The problem with feminist mothering is that it either pushes for women to be freed from the shackles of motherhood (by making it easier for them to put their kids into day care) or it pushes for concessions in the workplace for women (more maternity leave, more sick leave, breaks and accommodations to pump breastmilk at work, etc.).

While I don’t think there is anything wrong with pushing for those things, I think we need to push for something more, something different.

We need to push for a society that values family and parenthood. One that recognizes that role that parents play in raising the next generation. One that recognizes that fathers, like mothers, may need to strike a balance between their career and their family life. One where women don’t feel that they have to be an equally uninvolved parent in order to reach their goals, but where they can ask their partner to step up too.”

Raising boys? Help yourself to some gender stereotypes posted at The F Word.

“In Biddulph world, men are men and women are women. Women stack the dishwasher while hubby reads the paper. Biddulph’s philosophy for happiness is simple. Be heterosexual, be middle class and make sure you marry your man. Once these ideals are fulfilled the stage is set. Mother is nurturing and gentle – her passion wholly centred upon domesticity. In his essay, ‘Stand Up to Your Wife’ in his book, Manhood he claims that strong women will “feel able and willing to bear a child”. The magic is such that Biddulph claims to “have known fertility problems to disappear through this work – as if a woman’s body would not bear a child until her mind knew it could and would protect that child”. Meanwhile the man must “stand up to his wife”. New Man is boring – “I’ve met dozens of strong, capable feminist women, who tell me in the confidentiality of the counselling setting, that they have finally found the sensitive, caring, new-age man they thought they wanted and they are bored stiff! They are starting to drive slowly past building sites, wondering whether to whistle!” he chuckles. Scrape the surface and modern empowered women are the root of the problem – emasculating men, confusing boys and subverting the natural order of things. The temerity is astounding. Women have demanded change of men and now are unhappy with the result. Like modern day Pandoras, they’ve opened the box and unleashed a modern-day catastrophe.”

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As you can see, there have been some really cracking posts/articles submitted this month. Let’s make next month even better! The next edition will be published, here at Mothers For Women’s Lib, on Sunday 12th July 2009. Deadline for submissions will therefore be Sunday 5th July 2009. I was fairly lax with the deadline this month, next month anything submitted after the deadline will not be published until the August edition. And to answer a question from our lovely Mossy – yes, non-UK submissions are more than welcome!

Submit your blog article to the next edition of carnival of feminist parenting using our Carnival Submission Form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our Blog Carnival Index Page.

I’m not entirely sure yet how carnival hosting works, but if you think you could have a bash at it, please email me and we’ll talk.

 

Carnival Delayed

The Carnival of Feminist Parenting was supposed to be today. But my family and I just got back from Norway a couple of days ago, then we spent the weekend with my parents, and I had to wave my son off for his week in Holland with his dad today, so I am too drained. It’ll be up tomorrow, I promise.

 

“Raising Boys”? Really?

I read a review recently over the the F word of a book I was seriously considering buying. Thank goodness I did. I’ve a feeling the book might have pushed my blood pressure sky high.

The book was “Raising Boys” by Steve Biddulph. I’ve read a couple of articles by this author, and to be honest, much of the time he’s been fairly spot on when it comes to the things I’m a fan of, like full term breastfeeding, co-sleeping etc., some of the things that often come under the banner of “attachment parenting”.

Why would I, a feminist mum, even consider buying a book like this in the first place? I mean, surely in that Glorious Utopian Future gender won’t matter at all anyway? Why would I treat my kid any differently than a girl if he turns out to be making the journey along the “path to manhood“?

(As an aside, and the reviewer of the book didn’t mention this, I’d be interested to learn if Biddulph ever points out that a kid being born with a penis isn’t necessarily a marker for that kid being a boy? Or that not every kid that grows into a man will be born with a penis? Because I would place a rather large sum of money on Mr. Biddulph not mentioning this at all. And I bet intersex kids don’t figure on his radar. Or genderqueer kids. But, in all fairness, I haven’t read it – please feel free to correct me.)

Those of you who know me will know that I’ve not been having the best experiences with adult men recently. And I’ve even occasionally found myself coming out with the usual “all men are bastards” “bloody men” etc.

Fact is, I’m really hoping all men aren’t bastards. Because my child is probably going to be one, one day. I’m hoping that there’s going to be a pleasant, non-bastard niche he can find in which to grow.

And though, at this young age, gender neutral parenting seems the way to go, when he’s a bit older? I’m not so sure.

Because, and before we even get into the effects of testosterone, boys come under so many influences from the outside world that we need something a bit beyond “no toy guns, wearing pink clothes now and again, get him to help with the housework etc.” (I’m aware that most feminist parents do a heck of a lot more than this, but I have heard it couched in similar terms!)

But of course, it’s easy for me to come out with this. After all, I’m Mum to a two year old. I’m still at that stage where my child is just a kid, I don’t have to worry too much about the other boys in his class egging him on to more and more dangerous stuff; about them bonding together over misogyny; over him receiving messages his role is about fighting (under the guise of “protecting”) and working himself into the ground (under the guise of “providing”) and much, much more.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still influences even on a two year old, but they can be tempered a lot by parental influence. As he gets older? I’m not so sure.

I think a lot of feminist parents (that I’ve come across) believe that by encouraging behaviour that is largely considered “feminine” in their little boys, they can help raise a well-rounded individual (and that rare, but not extinct  creature, a man who does housework without being asked).

The other day on twitter, Anji tweeted a feminist quote about few having the courage to raise their little boys more like little girls, or words to that effect.

And again, I think this is a start. But I don’t think it’s nearly enough. Because once we reach the stage where we know the end product is going to be a man, we’ve got a distinct kind of fight on our hands.

And you know something? A man who doesn’t do the housework without being asked? One of the very, very least of my worries.

I’m worried about the men that rape. The violent men. The emotionally abusive men. The men who get together with their friends to get one over on the ex. The men who turn misogyny into an art form. The men who look to all the world like “respectable” men but are seething angry on the inside. The men who everyone believes are the “perfect father”, right up until you read the newspaper article where they’ve killed their ex and the children. The men who start big businesses with the aim of fucking everyone else over.The men who start wars. The men who have the power to change things for the better, but instead change everything for the worse.

So if the worst thing that happens to my kid is that he grows into a man who occasionally leaves his dirty boxies around for his girlfriend/boyfriend? I can deal.

But before we can deal with making sure little boys don’t turn into That Kind of Man, we have to know what it is that causes it in the first place. And that is quite painful, because if we’re saying we are capable of tempering it, does that also mean that we, the parents, also play a hand in causing it? We surely don’t want to believe that. Aside from the mother blaming that will surely be inheret in such a conclusion – well – it just doesn’t feel very nice!

But what’s the alternative? To say we don’t have any influence at all? Or that the influences from outside are just too powerful? Influence and fault are linked, albeit less obviously than the likes of the Daily Fail would have us believe.

And I do think we have influence. Or at least, I hope we do. Because I don’t want my kid to grow into One of Those Men. So where to start?

I’m opening this thread up to ideas from everyone, but I wanted to start with just one of my own – a straw I’m clutching to at the moment, but still.

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If we want to stop our child from being negatively influenced by peer pressure, we have to make sure our child has the strength to say “no” to people who are trying to get him to do something. (We also have to make sure that somehow he knows that thing – if it is something nasty – is wrong.) We need to make sure he doesn’t bow to negative peer pressure; give him the strength to say no in the face of very powerful opposition.

And what’s the most powerful opposition in a toddler, or young child’s life? Er, that’s right. You are. The parent. And if you never, ever allow your kid to say “no”, or to disagree with you, aren’t you showing them that they must alwayus do what the more powerful person/people say? If the boy isn’t allowed to disagree with you, to have his own opinion, to tell you, no, actually, I’d like to go to bed at nine tonight, or no, I don’t want to turn the television off, but you say, you will do it, because I say so and I am the person in the position of power here, and force that child to capitulate every time?

Aren’t you teaching him that (a) might is right and (b) you aren’t allowed your own voice of dissent and (c) power is a good thing to be able to get because it means you can tell people what to do all the time?

Obviously, the argument holds truth the other way too; if you always let your child do absolutely everything they want, you’re probably not presenting that great a model either.

But shouldn’t there be room for discussion? For compromise? Even for honesty “I want you to go to bed at eight because my girlfriend and I want to spend some time being grown ups / because I want you to have a good night’s sleep so we’re all fresh for the park tomorrow / etc. but you can read in your bedroom if you like”? Or, “I know you don’t like the taste of sprouts, but I want you to have a healthy body; what other options do you think we could come up with for green vegetables?/ I realise now you don’t like sprouts, but I’ve bought and cooked them now, and they’re very expensive, what sauce would you like to put on them to make them more edible? / I see you don’t like sprouts. Mummy likes sprouts. You can have Mummy’s peas.” etc.

I really want ideas here for feminist parenting especially how it pertains to boys, particularly if they fit in with attachment parenting / unconditional parenting but just any ideas are welcome. So, dear readers, over to you!

 

No Mother is “Too Stupid”

Just read this article – Social services in Nottingham claim mother is ‘too stupid’ to bring up child – in the Telegraph.

I don’t really have words for this, and I’m sure that I’m not alone in being angry, outraged and terrified on Miss Pullen’s behalf. I do not believe there is any such thing as being ‘too stupid’ to raise a child. That she is clearly intelligent enough and loves her daughter enough to fight this every step of the way, speaks volumes about her abilities.

This woman could be me. She could be you. This is not something that just happens to other people. The feminist community is huge and our actions have made a difference in the past on so many occasions. There’s a big community here these days, so I’d like to ask – is there anything we could do to help her? Answers in comments or via email, please.

 

First Time Mum

You want to know something?

 I never really got motherhood, before I had my baby a month ago. Even when I was pregnant, it was hard to think of ‘us’ as opposed to ‘me’.  I had all sorts of ideas of what I would and wouldn’t feel, and where I would fit in the world.

I’m probably stating the obvious here, but being a mum is hard work.

I never for one second thought it would be easy, but it is so much harder than I first thought.

I was so determined to breastfeed, ‘breast is best’ and all that. I wanted my baby to get the best start; breastfeeding has so many benefits for babies. Had visions of me bonding with my daughter while she fed, and loved that very idea of closeness. I tried, and failed miserably. Although she had fed while we were in hospital, she didn’t feed so well when we came home. I didn’t know and thought she was feeding. My midwife came out a few days later and weighed my daughter; she had lost loads of weight, more than expected. I felt like a terrible, terrible mum. My baby had been hungry, and I hadn’t known. I felt so guilty, and had failed her. The midwife tried to give more support with breastfeeding, but my confidence had been knocked and my heart wasn’t in it. I had already failed and let my child down. So what did I do? Straight onto formula and haven’t looked back since.

I wish it had gone better, I wish I had stuck to it and given it another go. The guilt from my little one not feeding was too much, I didn’t trust myself to try it again as I might do it wrong again.

I always assumed I’d get a big rush of love the first time I held my child. I didn’t. I thought maybe it was because I was tired, or a bit sore; the ‘love’ will come after I had a good rest. It didn’t.  The only thing I felt was guilt and numbness. Guilty because I didn’t have the ‘love’ and wasn’t successful with the breastfeeding. Numb because none of this was expected, and I didn’t know how else to feel. I felt suddenly overwhelmed with motherhood, and wondered if I would even measure up to other mums. I wondered if my inexperience showed when the midwife, health visitor or any other kind of visitor saw me with my daughter.  I felt like there was something very wrong with me, because I didn’t have the ‘love’, and I wasn’t expecting that. My partner seemed to have bonded with our daughter almost immediately, but I hadn’t.  And this made absolutely no sense to me, because seeing as I had carried her and then pushed her out; I would have thought I would have had no problem with bonding with my child. Wrong.

I spoke to the midwife who assured me that most women feel like this after childbirth. Apparently, it’s more common than we think; it’s just that nobody talks about it. She mentioned baby blues, and Postnatal Depression, and asked me if she would like me to mention it to the health visitor. She offered to book a counselling session for me, to see if it would help. Suddenly, I didn’t feel such a crappy mum for feeling all this. Big weights off my shoulders, well, some of it anyway.

It’s been 4 weeks since I had my daughter, and so much has changed.

Motherhood is hard work and demanding, the days go fast and I hardly get a moment’s peace. My daughter is growing so fast, it is hard to believe it and take it in. The feelings of love are coming slowly, the bonding has definitely started to happen, and I’m starting to feel a little more confident as a mother. I think a lot of my anxieties were caused by my idea of how a mum should be, and whether or not I would actually measure up to it. I didn’t want to let my midwife down or the health visitor down. I didn’t want anyone to look at me and think “She’s a shit mum.” I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it, but didn’t want people thinking I couldn’t cope and shouldn’t be a mum.

I wasn’t expecting to feel any of this, and I wish we had been told about this in the antenatal classes.

But I’ve now come to the conclusion I won’t let other people’s expectations of a mother,  get in the way of what kind of mother I want to be. I will try not to put any pressure on myself to be or feel a certain way. I’m new at this; it’s a learning curve, and a whole new journey in my life.

I’m a feminist mum; this is a whole new concept to me. I will try and be the kind of mum I want to be, not the kind of mum society tells me I should be.  There is a difference, and I will remember this the next time I feel crappy.

Sorry for rambling on, I just wanted to share my experience so far.

 

The Carnival of Feminist Parenting

I said there would be a carnival, and by golly there will be one.

The first Carnival of Feminist Parenting will be posted Sunday 14th June 2009. The deadline for submissions is Sunday 7th June 2009.

Feel free to submit your own posts or those of someone else. If you think it’s relevant to feminist motherhood/parenting, then it probably is. Almost everything will be considered; we at MFWL are a diverse bunch, and our readership doubly so!

Submissions can be made using the carnival submission form.

Thanks all!

 

(Belated) Sunday Reading List

I am thinking of replacing the Sunday Reading List with a monthly carnival (The Carnival of Feminist Mothers/Parents/whatevers) – what do you think, readers?

Here are this week’s links anyway. It was Mother’s Day in the USA last weekend, so there have been a lot of relevant posts popping up.

• The F-Word: Work It Out
  “Wherever I turned, I got different answers to these questions, each with good reasoning behind them. I turned to older women, who had chosen one way or another, but felt just as unsure as ever. In fact, almost nobody seemed 100% satisfied or confident about the choices they had made. Some felt they had made mistakes, but others who made the same choices were happy, even when it meant big sacrifices. How to handle these choices clearly depends on the individual, her circumstances, her desires; there isn’t any one way to do it.

  Here’s the thing, though: when it comes to the Work/Family decision, why do we have to make such a cut-and-dry choice between caring for our families the way we want to and having non “domestic” work that is also satisfying, financially and/or personally?”

• The forces of darkness
  “I had smugly thought that being in a same-sex relationship meant I got a free pass on having to deal with gendered dynamics at home. And, yeah, my partner and I were together for nine years before we had children of ours (she has older children from a previous relationship), and in that time, we didn’t have gender-founded issues to address between us very often.

  But then, I gave birth to our two children, and gave up working and studying (and then worked part-time). And I was tired, and I was Mummy, and I couldn’t remember how to question what a Mummy is. Ah, responds the colonised brain, a Mummy does everything for her child, and is happy to. A Mummy respects the working-for-pay partner as “really” working, and counts her own hard labour as something else. A Mummy doesn’t seek to be listened to as if her day really counted. A Mummy takes the day shift, and the night shift, and the organising, remembering, managing of the household, and thinks she isn’t using her brain.”

• Feminism and Motherhood: an Opinion piece
  “I am not a mother. I have not decided if I ever will be a mother. There are days when it seems like a better idea than not and days where I can never imagine going down such a hard path. I had heard about some of the schisms in Feminism over motherhood but I had never paid much attention and never realized how much anger there was until a thread at Feministing. I understand that my experience with this anger was only in one place but from what I saw much of the anger, hostility and belittling came from those feminists who did not have children.”
• Me versus the patriarchy
  “You see, my partner is the seventh generation of the First Born Son of the First Born Son and all these first born sons share the exact same name. A type of unimaginativeness some like to call a family tradition. First Born Sons number VI (father-in-law) and VII (partner) have noticed that the fetus I’m carrying is going to be First Born Son VIII and they very much want him to be named accordingly. Much as I can acknowledge the attraction of family traditions and ancestral ties I just cannot bear this particular patriarchal one. It can go no further, with me. I have acquiesced to the tradition as far as giving the ‘First Born Son’ name as a second name, but not as a first name. To the First Born Sons and their patriarchy-supporting kin this is breaking the tradition.”
• Connecting the Mothers to the Childless
  “One of the huge hurdles I see women facing today is relating across the parenthood line. When I was pregnant for the first time I had no peers who were first time mothers with me. I swore I wouldn’t change, I could be a mother and hang out with my girlfriends and life didn’t have to change *that much*. Well, I kept part of the promise and I do try to always conjure up the smell of being childless. I need it especially when I read certain articles (such as the article I read last night in Marie Claire about a woman being revoked godmother status) or talk on the phone with a long lost childless friend. But as time passes, it is harder and harder to remember. I don’t want to stop reading certain magazines when I realize I can barely empathize with a writer, nor do I want to take breaks from friends when I sense they don’t “get” me anymore.”
• How not to flaunt your childfree cluelessness
  “Ah, here we go: a standard child/parent hater statement. Talking about children is dull; parents only ever talk about their children; if you want to retain non-parent friends you must never talk about your children; your non-parent friends are quite right to drop you if you don’t comply. Hey, I got a line on my bingo card!

  See what they did there? Yes, that’s right. Us gays who actually already do have children either don’t exist, or can no longer be spoken about with the generic word “gay”.

  Leaving aside “we live in a country” which, in fact, we don’t all live in, there’s then the assumption that getting kids as a queer necessarily involves medical intervention. News: turkey basters are in the cookery section, not in medical supplies!”

• Not the first: a belated Mother’s Day post
  “My mother, for all that she at times has been known to say “I’m really more of a humanist”, did a pretty good job of raising a feminist boy. One of my favorite stories is that, he being a first child but with the anticipation he not be an only, my brother’s wardrobe for his first three years consisted of an equal mix of “boy” clothes and “girl”clothes, with the rationale that all the clothes would get handed down (to a girl, my mother hoped), and the next child shouldn’t be the only one wearing the “wrong” gendered clothes.

  And it worked: my brother, privileged straight white male that he is, openly identified as a feminist, at least while in college. And I, of course, am hard at work raising her grandson feminist.”

• Breastfeeding Nazis
  “Day in and day out, I keep hearing and reading the term Breastfeeding Nazi used to describe lactation consultants, La Leche League leaders, breastfeeding advocates and other lactivists. I think it is completely inappropriate.

  First, lactivists have not killed millions of people like the Nazis did. People that advocate for breastfeeding are doing so to give babies the best possible start in life and to save lives. In fact, improved and increased breastfeeding could save millions of lives each year.

  Second, calling someone that is an enthusiastic advocate of something a Nazi trivializes and minimizes the suffering of the victims of the Holocaust. Even if you feel like you have been a “victim” of extreme lactivism, you cannot in good conscience compare that to the complete and utter horror that the Nazis carried out.

  So stop. Please stop. It is not appropriate. Not funny.

  Don’t believe me? Want to know more? Then read the perspective of Kathy Kuhn, a Jewish lactation consultant.”

• When Breastfeeders Attack
  “It was a nightmare.” said Mrs Sweet, 33, of Pennington. My best friend Clara and I were talking about gravy granules, when we heard the shrieking. We looked up, and they were everywhere, ripping off their blouses and thrusting their breasts in our faces. I looked away, but it was too late.” Mrs Sweet was treated for fainting, by St Joan’s Ambulance staff, who arrived on the scene several moments later. “Clara is one of those in hospital.” continued Mrs Sweet bravely “I believe her hearing has been affected by the loud cracks as all the boobs whipped out in formation. They’d obviously been practising.”

  “It was carnage,” said Mr John Snivel, who was in the first ambulance to arrive. “There were women everywhere, lying and crying in piles. One mother had thrown herself onto her two small children, who were also in the store. Luckily, she knocked them both out before they were exposed to the breastfeeders.”

• More Pinkification Of Mothers
  “Good grief! Can we please, please get over this girl = pink nonsense, and the constant infantilising of women by associating them with soft, pinky, girly colours.”
• Rally Wrap-Up: It Was A Great Mother’s Day!!
  “Here they are in all their glory — the fabulous mamas who made up the 1st annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health, with direct links to each of their letters to new moms. Thank you so much to everyone who participated. And to anyone who is interested in participating next year, please let me know! I hope these letters will serve as comfort and support to all women who may be wondering whether they are all alone in their feelings about or experiences with motherhood.”
• Pregnant Bodies Piling Up
  “I heard about the discovery of Demery’s body on the local news the other day. It’s chilling that “get the boyfriend” is the first thing that pops into my head in cases like hers. But, sadly, it’s the surest path to finding the killers – men who consider murder a good alternative to fatherhood (or a monthly child support payment). These murders are not isolated incidents; they are symptomatic of a culture wherein men feel entitled to control women’s lives and bodies. Step out of line, make a decision they don’t like, and they might punish you for it. I don’t know how to put an end to it, but I know pregnancy should not be a risk factor for murder.”
• Roots
  “This is why it annoys me so much to hear about privileged women having children by a ’surrogate’ or adopting third world children. It’s the idea that children are just consumer goods that can be merrily passed around, with no effect on the child, and no regard for the women who actually gave birth to them.

  Privileged women (and men) should not have the right to use their wealth to in effect ‘buy’ a child. Whether that is removing a child from the community into which it was born, or paying another, poorer, woman for the use of her body. Children are small human beings. They do not simply forget their past, or not wonder about their origins. They are not possessions, or parcels to be passed. They have the right to know where they came from and to have contact with the woman who gave birth to them. Women who give birth to children are not human incubators but mothers, no matter what. Roots matter.”

 

Feminist Guilt

I knew there would be people who criticised the way I brought up Austin, because they’d say that I was (in my father-in-law’s words) “making a lass out of him.” I was ready for that, and have been able to live with it. But the awful realisation came to me just the other day, when Austin was telling me about his ‘best’ friends – I, too, have a good amount of these gendered ideas left in me.

Austin has five close friends, of which four are girls. And when he went through his list of friends, I found myself wondering whether I’d done something ‘wrong’. Whether I’d forced my views on him so much that he could only identify with girls (ignoring, of course, the boy amongst his friends, as one does when guilt tripping happens!). I was pleased that he could make friends with girls, of course, but realised that I felt guilty about the amount of female friends he had compared to male. I want my son to have the friends he wants – if he made friends with lots of traditionally-masculine boys I’d put up with it, though I’d wonder what I’d done to him to make him feel so comfortable with them. I never thought I’d worry about female friends.

It just SHOWS how central the gender divide is in life, though. The first thing you know about a child is hir  sex: zie is labelled “boy” or “girl” from the moment of birth, and that knowledge affects what the child wears, what zie is shown, how zie is treated. No matter how much we disagree with the gender divide, it’s still THERE – and it still affects us to some extent.

I’ve never put Austin in dresses. Although I say I let him choose his clothes (hence his pink tops and purple trousers), I’ve never given him the option of wearing a dress as ‘normal’ wear (he tries things on, of course, at home). I’ve done this so that he won’t be teased, but as long as everyone (including me) continues to make this distinction between what is suitable for boys and what is suitable for girls, the teasing is always going to be an issue.

There are two problems here. Firstly, the fact that no matter how much we may agree or disagree with them, gendered ideas are fairly central to our world. Secondly, given problem #1, it is difficult to know how far to push the boundaries with our children. I want my son to be a happy, well-balanced boy. The fact is, if I ignored all gender ideas and (for example) sent him to pre-school in a dress, the teachers would have some sort of negative/weirded out reaction to him, and so would some of the children he goes to school with. I might think that the idea that “boys are like this” and “girls are like this” is an unhelpful way of looking at the world, but do I have the right to make an example of my son? As an adult, I can choose to accept/reject the gender ideas and understand what I am doing. But Austin is three. He’s too young to understand all the background to it, so is it fair for me to ask my son to do things which will almost certainly make his young life harder, and get him teased, perhaps bullied, by his peers?

 

Department of WIN! Star Child Shoes

I’d like to nominate Star Child shoes for the very first department of WIN award.

What’s the department of WIN?

Well, some time ago I wrote a blog post, Breeched from Birth, looking at how we use children’s clothing right from birth to push them into gender stereotypes.

I mused on why children’s clothes needed to be segregated into “girl” and “boy” clothes seeing as the basic shape of children is the same until puberty begins. Why couldn’t clothes for children just be organised by category, e.g. babygro, trouser, skirt, jumper etc.?

That would be a start, but I would also like to see less frillyfication of girls’ clothing (it gets to the point where the garment is impractical as the frills don’t wash well) and less, erm, blokification of boys’ clothing (“mummy’s little soldier” etc.) too.

I got chatting to Anji about it and she had the idea of coming up with a department of WIN, a department of FAIL (o hai Tesco!) and I wouldn’t mind a department of MEH too but maybe that’s pushing it!

So how to define WIN? Personally, I think in order to WIN a clothing shop, whether online or in real life, needs to meet at least two of the following criteria (and to get a MEH would meet just one, to get a FAIL would meet none):

1)      Clothes are separated by garment type or other way that isn’t based on gender

2)      No clothes that are so flimsy as to be impractical; no clothes that glorify violence (especially not if these are showcased as “girl” and “boy” respectively)

3)      Pictures of children in the clothes that include boys that aren’t wearing blue, grey, dark green or brown, and girls that aren’t wearing pink, purple or lilac.

But that’s just a rough idea. Any additions or subtractions are welcome. Of course, it also helps if the clothes wash well, are reasonably priced, do not use sweatshop labour to produce them, are environmentally responsible and so on.

Anyway without further ado onto Star Child shoes.

I was looking for some shoes for Bertie (my two year old) for a wedding. He was going in a maroon pair of flairs with maroon cravat and waistcoat and a white shirt (all from charity shops). I wanted something smart but quirky. I scoured the shops and found only clunky, ugly looking shoes, or incredibly flimsy, impractical looking shoes (can you guess which was intended for boys and which for girls?)

Via the natural parenting magazine Juno, I happened upon a company called Star Child shoes. Not only are the shoes organised by style (and not boy/girl) but they come in a wonderfully diverse range of colours and patterns, whilst all being the same basic shape.

They are also incredibly practical in that they are more like slippers, but with a solid suede base so they are not particularly slippery. They also allow a lot of room for feet to stretch; despite what the likes of Clarks might tell you to get you to part with your £20+, less is often more when it comes to shoes (with bare feet being best of all).

The price? Well, they’re not amazingly cheap, weighing in at around £17 a pair, but unlike shoes that come in sizes (e.g. 4, 5, 6) they come in months, so your child’s feet grow into them and they last about six months.

They are handmade in the UK, and use non-toxic dyes (you know how kids love to suck their feet).

And, you can fling them in the washing machine on a low heat (although, I did notice the dye did run a little on Bertie’s shoes, so take care to wash with other similar colours) and even when they dry (not in a tumble drier) they are still soft and pliable.

The one thing that does concern me is that the shoes have leather uppers, which is not an option for the majority of vegetarians and vegans.

Back to the beginning though, the thing I’m most impressed by is the sheer range of styles and the fact none of them are listed as “perfect for your little princess / soldier”. They feature styles that children love (bright, colourful, pictures of vehicles, animals and confectionary) and they don’t shoehorn (pun intended) children into stereotypical gender roles.

Star Child shoes = WIN!

(Well, you wanted to see the shoes on, didn’t you?)

 

On ‘tabloid journalism’, woman-blaming, slut-shaming and general idiocy.

The story of the “zomg obese child-abusing mum!” has come to my attention from a couple of places. The tabloids have had a field day (see here and here), and we all know that the Mail and the Sun are paragons of intelligent and thoughtful journalism, don’t we! I’ve noticed it in several communities, mostly from the “she’s lazy and ignorant and abusing! her! children!” point of view. Funnily enough, most of these opinions have come from people who have never had children, and even those who have kids haven’t ever been single parents of triplets.

So to give a view from the other side – from someone who’s had a baby, who’s been a single mum; who’s been a single mum and poor, heaven forbid – here’s my take on it. So let’s take the ‘facts’ as they come, shall we? First, let me tell you about all the parts of this article which are utterly irrelevant to the topic at hand.

A little about the mother. Let’s not call her ‘the mother’ actually, she’s already been dismissed and dehumanised enough. Her name is Leanne Salt, and she’s a human being like you or I. Ms Salt weighs 29 or 30 stones, depending on which of the ‘esteemed’ journalists you choose to believe. I wish her weight wasn’t relevant. It shouldn’t be. But of course in this society, fat means “Lazy! Slob! Good-for-nothing!” and that’s the only reason the tabloids have chosen to not only make that one of their main ‘facts’ but to include it in the headlines of both articles. They also point out that she was 40 stone when she gave birth eight months ago. What they fail to deduce from that is that she’s lost ten stones in eight months. Considering these articles were all about how she’s fat and feeds her kids ‘crap’ it seems the papers should have realised she must be doing something ‘right’ to have lost that amount of weight, no?

Aside from her weight, what do we know about her? She’s a single mum to biracial triplets. Oh, how the papers love a story about a lazy white chav single mother and her brown babies. But this in itself brings a point of interest. Where is the babies’ father in all this? Why all the pointing fingers at Ms Salt – why is all the blame for her alleged transgressions being placed on her shoulders, rather than shared with their father? He has equal responsibility for his children, and it is equally his responsibility to make sure they eat well. But of course, then we’d have to accept that Ms Salt doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and it is not she who is failing but being failed by many, many aspects of society.

Both papers spend a lot of time telling us what a good-for-nothing, undeserving lazy slut she is. Apparently it cost £200,000 for her babies to be born. So what? How much does it cost for triplets to be born anyway? For that matter, how much does it cost to give someone a heart transplant? The cost of someone’s medical treatment on the NHS is nobody’s business – unless, of course, you are a tabloid journalist who wants to keep on reminding people just how much this lazy slob is costing the good, decent British people. Both articles also feel the need to point out how much she gets in benefits. Again – so what? She’s a single mum raising triplets. £227 a week doesn’t go far. Hell, I was only raising one baby (on around £200 per week) and found I was scraping to make ends meet. Of course, this is another dig by the Sun and the Mail – look how much she’s costing yoooooou! And the final nail in the “useless slag” coffin – she was with the babies’ father “just four weeks” when she fell pregnant. Again, this is another not-so-subtle attempt by the newspapers to paint her as a good-for-nothing slut. It doesn’t add anything to the story, it’s not relevant to the topic at hand, it’s just used to make her ‘different’ and ‘not like us’ and to give the reader a lovely smug holier-than-thou glow.

Additionally to this, both articles (seeing a pattern yet?) state “Miss Salt says she and her babies only get dressed and go out once a week to collect her benefits.” All I can say to that is, so what? When Orion was eight months old he lived in sleepsuits (baby pyjamas) too. They’re practical, it doesn’t matter if they get regurgitated on, it’s easy to get to the nappy for changing, they’re easy to clean and don’t need ironing. Sure as shit when Orion was that age he lived in them too – in fact, I was worse, because I didn’t even dress him in ‘proper clothes’ when we went out. I’d put a warm blanket over him in his pushchair and off we’d go. ‘Proper clothes’ serve no purpose for babies except for adults to go “Awwww innit cute!” and to add a whole load of hassle to laundry time.

Special mention is made of the fact that “Their tiny house is strewn with laundry piles and toys.” Again – so? So is mine, and I only have one kid to deal with. Some of you may know that I have personally been involved with Social Services recently, and I was told outright by one of them that a messy house does not mean there’s anything wrong. Indeed, he said – Social Services would be worried if the house was spotless, with not a single toy to be seen. Toys all over the place means the kids have toys. Not a sign of an abused baby. Even the most dedicated Supermum has a messy house. That’s life with kids.

Finally, something a couple of people have picked up on with a “how dare she!” attitude is that “now she wants her own council house.” Oh goodness, how evil of her to desire a better standard of accommodation. How very dare she want a house that she can afford that is big enough for her three growing children. Well why the hell shouldn’t she? She’s a single mum scraping by on benefits trying to raise three babies. Isn’t the whole point of council housing to adequately house those who would otherwise live in inappropriate housing? And considering both articles made a point of describing her house as ‘tiny’ and pointing out how messy it was, is it not pretty clear that she needs a bigger place to raise her children in?

On to the main part of the story – the triplets’ diet. Both tabloids have concentrated on ‘McDonald’s and Smash and junk food!!1!” but if you dig a little deeper, and actually pay attention to what the story says, she doesn’t feed her children much differently to most parents. Here’s their breakdown of a ‘typical’ day’s diet.

5.30am: 8oz bottle of milk
8.00am: 8oz bottle of milk
Breakfast: crumpet with butter
Lunch: scrambled eggs on toast, instant mashed potato with spaghetti hoops, or a jar of baby food
2pm: packet of Wotsits each
Dinner: microwave lasagne or pie
Bedtime: Occasional bottle of milk

Call me a child abuser, but I fail to see what’s wrong with this. People are saying “how hard is it to do XYZ (boil vegetables, cook properly, blah blah)?” You know what? I found it bloody hard enough with one baby. You see – and the childless people who are so quick to pass judgment obviously don’t see – babies are time-consuming. The average baby goes through six to eight nappies a day. She’s got three, so we’re talking somewhere between eighteen and twenty-four nappy changes to be performed daily. The average baby wants attention. Three average babies, we’re talking a lot of attention. Look at the photograph of them. Do they look like unhappy, neglected babies whose Mum never spends time with them?

The diet above doesn’t seem that different to Orion’s. You bet your arse I fed him Smash, because it was quick and easy and cheap. To the people who say “How hard can it be to make proper mashed potatoes?” I can only tell you that you are speaking of that which you do not know. Babies don’t eat on a schedule, they eat when they’re hungry, and when baby is hungry he is hungry NOW. Why do you think there’s such a booming market in jarred and tinned baby foods? Because us real-life Mums who spend time with our kids don’t have the time to be lovingly cooking and pureeing organic vegetables.

(Not to mention that I would rather feed my child Smash than the ‘baby rice’ so eagerly peddled by doctors and health visitors as an ‘ideal first food’. That stuff is nutritionally void. It fills their tummies and gives them no nutrition whatsoever. You might as well be feeding them soggy toilet paper.)

Crumpet with butter? Check. Spaghetti hoops and scrambled eggs? Check. Microwaved lasagne (and god forbid, packet rice and tinned soup and all manner of other open-and-heat meals), check. Come over here and call me lazy and my kid malnourished. Tell me I’m abusing my happy, healthy, well-socialised son. I double dog dare you.

At best, I could call this lazy journalism. In reality, it’s not journalism at all. It’s an exploitative, misogynistic, fat-phobic, classist piece of shite not worthy of lining my rat cage with. And I am so disappointed that the general reaction has been to lampoon a woman who is doing the best with what she’s got, and for the most part, she’s not doing it any worse than the rest of is. People really need to lay off, lest they find their own failings suddenly put to the public in such a biased way, and find themselves being denounced and made out to be stupid, evil and unworthy of living their own lives. Judge not lest ye be judged, people.